relationship versus ego part-1

Addictive relationship

The relationship i mean here is general like spouse, friends or family

We normally live life in an illusion and conceive and perceive things according to our own mind. We externally tend to derive sense of self like our social role, possessions, success and failures, our external appearance, relationships etc., But one identifies himself more in a relationship because it offers freedom from deep rooted fears, incompletenes and rejection. So when a relationship comes our way it becomes the answer for all our ego problems and to meet all needs and all the above mentioned derivatives become almost insignificant. There is only one focal point now and that replaces all. Our world has a center now ie. our partner and the fact that the sense of wholeness is derived from an external factor does not matter initially. It is like assigning someone else the job of making us happy.

As time moves on and when our partner fails to meet our needs then we start attacking them emotionally. This action is not due to hatredness towards our partner but its because our own identity we derived from our partner's acceptance is shaken off. Its like an addiction, we go high on a drug initially, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for us. The feelings of pain, lack, deep-seated fears etc., which had been covered underneath in this relationship now resurface. When those feelings reappear, we feel them stronger than before and get deeply frustrated, shaky, weak and might dangerously collapse altogether resulting in loss of self. We start perceiving our partner as the cause for our fall back and start attacking. This attack may awaken our partner's own pain and he or she may counter the attack. His unexpected behavior may again torture our feelings and churns the ocean of pain because the fact that we attacked our loved one nourishes even more our low self esteem. And in all this confusion nobody knows what the root cause is? What more can go worse?.....the relationship withers at this point killing its victims emotionally sometimes physically too.

Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face your own pain. Whatever you are addicted to you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. All addiction starts with happiness and ends in pain. That's why after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness and so much pain in any intimate relationship. Actually they do not cause pain, they only bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever. The withdrawal symptom is the worse thing that can happen to you. Never a second goes without thinking of the cause. You are constantly haunted and hunted by your own compulsive thoughts and thinking becomes a disease. You become a slave to your own mind and the world is all your mind. You reach a point where you can't handle yourself or decide for yourself. Still thea solution to your problem.

The other forms of relationship and the solution will be covered in the future posts