relationship versus ego - part 3

love hate relationship
When you are in love with someone it is a deeply satisfying state. You feel intensely alive. The feeling that you are wanted, needed, loved, caressed, full of attention etc., by someone makes the whole world almost fade to insignificance initially.




However you notice that there is a dependency or clinging quality to that intensity. You slowly get addicted to your partner unconsciously not knowing what is in store for the future. You are happy in this relationship because your internal desires are fulfilled by your partner. Your partner too goes out of his way to please you initially. But over a period of time your partner realises that he/she is loosing his personal space and satisfying you all the time becomes a burden because it is you who is always receiving and your partner is always giving away all his time and energy.


Eventually there comes a time the partner runs out of that energy and strongly needs his time and energy reserved for himself. Now your devoid of all the pleasures through your partner which might trigger the fear of loss in you. Even the thought that your partner may no longer be for you can lead to possessiveness, attempt at manipulation through emotional blackmail, jealousy, blaming, accusing, arguing, attacking etc., This leaves your partner in a state of complete withdrawal and unspoken resentment, insensitivity, the need to be right etc., at the flick of a switch. The more your partner moves away from you, the more you try to possess him/her by trying to be over emotional and unconsciously substituting your emotional needs as true love which is easily read by your partner and becomes more entrenched in his mental position. And in case if your partner leaves you, you either become intensely hostile or get struck with profound grief and despair.

This kind of relationship oscillates for a while between the polarities of love and hate. This drama makes them alive. But when the balance between the polarities is lost and the destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency the relationship collapses. Can a love relationship change into a negative one instantly. Was it really true love in the first place or just an clinging or grasping quality of your ego needs? Where is the love now? If this is not love then what LOVE actually is ????????

relationship versus ego part-2

Defensive relationship
Some people build their self image so strongly that they cannot yield to others emotions. They don't realize that they see themselves through their mind and create an opaque screen of concepts, judgments, definitions, images that blocks all true relationship. They are unresponsive, withdrawn, insensitive, cut off from their feelings and use their ego to prove their mental strength. They tend to convince themselves and others that they are enlightened and that there is nothing wrong with them and everything is wrong with their partner. Men tend to do more than women. They see their female partners as irrational and emotional. They are mostly in their mind and so little they do realize that they need to be conscious about their own and others emotions to become enlightened.

An addictive partner always want to express herself and resolve the problem temporarily without creating a time gap to avoid negative emotions and grievance to fester. On the other hand a defensive one restricts himself to listen to his partner and does not want to think about the situation because he is not comfortable with it anymore. According to him the partner has to correct her nature for things to fall in place. This is because he sees himself a righteous man. He frames his own opinions and judgments about his partner and refuses to change them. He is on the look out for faults to prove that he is right always. Defending and blaming is his way of strengthening his ego. But without listening or giving space to others love cannot flourish. Your insensitiveness can lead your addictive partner to take a dangerous step. If there is no love and joy, openness toward all human beings, then it is not enlightenment. Enlightenment does not simply mean non attachment, insensitive or cutting off and convincing others you are right. It is not letting yourself to be affected amidst the mess by completely being in the present or a higher degree is to help your partner seek the truth. If your enlightenment is self-delusion, then life will bring a challenge that will surface the truth deep inside you in the form of defensiveness, judgment etc., Many challenges actually come through your partner. A woman may be challenged by her insensitive partner who lives by his mind. She might be frustrated by his inability to listen to her, pay her attention, give her personal space which is due to his lack of presence. The absence of intimacy is usually felt by the woman more than a man which will trigger her to attack him due to her own egoistic pain so that he understands her and the intimacy is restored. But the man who is equally egoistic sees the situation baseless and become even more deeply entrenched in his mental position as he justifies, defends and counterattacks. Now both partners are in their own state of illusion and totally unaware of the reality. Its a state of self-deceive, self-betray etc., It will not subside until both of them have replenished themselves and calm down. Where is the love, affection, fondness etc., gone which once flourished?????

This is just one of an endless number of possible scenarios. Many volumes have been written and many more can be written too. But once the root of dysfunction is understood no need to explore its countless manifestations.

relationship versus ego part-1

Addictive relationship

The relationship i mean here is general like spouse, friends or family

We normally live life in an illusion and conceive and perceive things according to our own mind. We externally tend to derive sense of self like our social role, possessions, success and failures, our external appearance, relationships etc., But one identifies himself more in a relationship because it offers freedom from deep rooted fears, incompletenes and rejection. So when a relationship comes our way it becomes the answer for all our ego problems and to meet all needs and all the above mentioned derivatives become almost insignificant. There is only one focal point now and that replaces all. Our world has a center now ie. our partner and the fact that the sense of wholeness is derived from an external factor does not matter initially. It is like assigning someone else the job of making us happy.

As time moves on and when our partner fails to meet our needs then we start attacking them emotionally. This action is not due to hatredness towards our partner but its because our own identity we derived from our partner's acceptance is shaken off. Its like an addiction, we go high on a drug initially, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for us. The feelings of pain, lack, deep-seated fears etc., which had been covered underneath in this relationship now resurface. When those feelings reappear, we feel them stronger than before and get deeply frustrated, shaky, weak and might dangerously collapse altogether resulting in loss of self. We start perceiving our partner as the cause for our fall back and start attacking. This attack may awaken our partner's own pain and he or she may counter the attack. His unexpected behavior may again torture our feelings and churns the ocean of pain because the fact that we attacked our loved one nourishes even more our low self esteem. And in all this confusion nobody knows what the root cause is? What more can go worse?.....the relationship withers at this point killing its victims emotionally sometimes physically too.

Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face your own pain. Whatever you are addicted to you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. All addiction starts with happiness and ends in pain. That's why after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness and so much pain in any intimate relationship. Actually they do not cause pain, they only bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever. The withdrawal symptom is the worse thing that can happen to you. Never a second goes without thinking of the cause. You are constantly haunted and hunted by your own compulsive thoughts and thinking becomes a disease. You become a slave to your own mind and the world is all your mind. You reach a point where you can't handle yourself or decide for yourself. Still thea solution to your problem.

The other forms of relationship and the solution will be covered in the future posts

emotionalism & emotionlessism

I would like to explain my personal views about the pros and cons of this vast
subject concisely. This is a collective expression of what i have read and experienced in my on life.

An emotional person is somebody who lets his feelings rule his life. Such people exalt themselves to the skies when they enjoy their emotions and when the same emotion works against them they are completely shattered. They go through this emotional extremities and tend to wear out soon. At times they say things which they actually don't mean in the heat of an argument and regret later for their own action. They are extremely sensitive and can get hurt so easily.

An emotionless person is somebody who had been through crisis in his past and erects a strong wall around him and land up being callous. It might help him but he appears too cold for others. This becomes a problem for him when he gets into a relationship. Because he is unable to express he does not feel or be sensitive to the needs of others. But during his down period the same person would seek emotional support from friends. Its just that he fails to realize others too would need his support to overcome a problem.

Whichever category we belong to, any kind of personality can be projected in a kind and gentle way. Do not hurt people harshly or if you are at the receiving end do not let yourself get hurt. Most of the time when people hurt you they don't actually intend to do so. Its just the perception being misled or a mediator might have failed to do his job successfully. Actually confronting the faults to one another and asking for forgiveness will comfort the wounded souls instead of letting that person down by cribbing to someone else. There is no situation when one is always right and the other one is always wrong. But unwillingness to face or accept personal responsibilities is childish. Emotions should always be submitted to wisdom and time. Do not build your self image on the opinion of others.One of the things we need to impart in others is not hardness but understanding. Do not take an emotional person for granted and if it is work towards setting it right and let him/her go in peace for, emotional person values his emotions more than his own life. And when you allow him/her to walk wounded he/she will turn the pain inwardly and toxify himself. At times one need to break the hardened and unbridled emotions and attend to a person who is in need of your help to straighten his journey. After all life is all about helping one another.

- courtesy
joyce meyer

are you devastated?

All of us face disappointments in some point of our life and fall back not literally but emotionally. And getting up from the depth needs a lot of effort and understanding. It doesn't take any special talent to give up but people who have emerged out successfully know what it really needs. None of us are going to get to a place where there are no disappointments. So face things with strength and determination. Deep emotional hurts do not happen due to heavy troubles but they happen due to series of frustrations and irritations in our daily lives. If we don't deal with the minor ones then devastation and despair are never far away. Many of them don't have a clue that the problem could have started long back due to a simple issue which they failed to work. Yes it is annoying to face frustrations but if you allow them to pile up then it becomes unbearable and when you release those negative energies its painful for everyone. Sort out issues with your friends or spouse on time. Do not allow any distance to grow if you want the relationship to work. Hurting somebody emotionally is stronger that killing somebody physically

When disappointments press like a rock, you can either let it press you down until you become discouraged, even devastated, or you can use it as a stepping-stone to better things. Learn to adapt and adjust. You can do it! Face disappointment at its onset and be quick to make any adjustments required to remedy the situation. You may have fallen down but you don't have to stay down always......

do you like yourself?

The most difficult question to answer but check yourself honestly. After years of personal talks with people i realized that many of them don't approve themselves. Some know it and others don't have a clue. This is because we see ourselves through others viewpoints. We think we are not worthy to be loved because others have rejected us and then follows self rejection and self hatred. But its a lie which we've been believing for way too long. It is here one should be very careful because if these emotions gets deeply rooted then you become a victim of emotional mishap and straightening your thoughts become almost impossible. The one person with whom we spend our entire lifetime is ourselves and how agonizing it is if we are not comfortable with ourselves?

We may not be important to ourselves but we are definetly important to the creator or creation. All of us are created for a specific purpose. We need to focus on this issue and feel important about our own very existence. Do not turn inward all the time and feel bad for things that have gone wrong or for the things that failed to happen in your life. Your every loss is every gain in spiritual walk. There is something positive about every situation.

At the same time we should not love ourselves too much in a very self centered way and finally turn out to be a narcissist. Every feeling or emotion needs a balance. We should develop that kind of mature love to handle ourselves. Find your strength and blessings and feel contented. Wake up. ITS TIME TO MOVE ON